Chaotic state of Mind

[~lofo~]

meaning, that u are completely confused about somethin. ur in a nervous wreck, or in a turmoil, a dead-end, or standing on a crossroad in life and u don't know where to turn. in what kind of a "chaotic state" are u at the moment?

the way to describe my state, would be: i'm a drop of water in a bathtub, and someone hast pulled the drainplug...and everything around me is consequently getting pulled to a point i can neither descern where it is, nor find out if that's where i would wan't to go.... and there's nothin i can do, i can't pause time. so i "go with the flow..."

if using a metaphor like i just did, is the best way to describe it, be my guest. i'm interessted in what kind of mental state posts are coming together here, said a bit cheesy ^.^ anyway, post post post!!

[phlyRy]

uh...

for a moment...i thought the thread name was "chocolate state of mind" then i realized i must have chocolate on my mind.

but...this thread is very appropriate for me...as right now, i've royally upsetted my family. i think my state of mind is i'm backed into a wall. you have your "western" mindset and your "eastern" mindset. and then there are asian americans. not only am i an asian american...i'm transgendered. issue: i have currently moved to pittsburgh, and my sister CAN live with me but i don't want to. it's going to be uncomfortable because i don't think even my sister is completely accepting of the fact that i like girls and i have the mindset and values of a guy. thus i don't want to live with my sister. i still haven't figure out my own gender, and i want to be alone. (not to mention the apartment is a studio so i have no privacy for getting with a girlfriend or walking around naked). i can't explain this to my parents, and they have insisted that my sister live with me and save the cost of dorming. so what do i do? out of frustration on the phone, i said the wrong damn things and my mom cried the whole night. way too affectionate/emotional. just thinking about it makes me suicidal (otherwise i'd have to severe relations and the asian-ness in me can't do something like that)

alright...i'll shut up now.

[~lofo~]

hmmm...does your sister WANT to live with you? sounds rather not, if she can't accept who you are. i hate it when someone can't accept the person you are, regardless of how wierd or strange it might be. everyone is different so of course, consequently others might seem wierd in your own eyes. whatever...what i wanted to say: i'm in both an opposite and similar situation as you maybe. i have an older brother, who is next month going to move in a student home, whilst me and my parents are moving into another country... and at the moment i'm having real trouble determining whether i want to stay here a few more months or just leave everything. and i could have had the chance to stay a bit longer here with my brother, but he just phoned me saying he found something, but only for one person. so i lost my chance. (well it's of course a biiiit more complicated, but i'm simplifying). and especially the reason to stay, would be cause of someone i just got to learn better, and whom i've been interessted in for two years.... well that's a totally different story. but the thing is: i'm totally torn between so many things. i'm also somewhat of a mixture like you. mother american, father austrian, living in switzerland, moved over 11 times, etc...blabla. i'm just a mixed bunch. and now, when i'd have to decide where i should create my further life, i'm all mixed up. my mom is also very very emtional, so it's really hard to talk with her without upsetting her...especially if saying: i don't wanna live with u guys anymore, i'm gonna stay here with this boy cause we love eachother, and i don't know what to do anyway... ^^ she'd brake. so, instead of running away from the situation right now - something i would normally do when i can't handle it, something i tried to do - i just say fuck all, and continue on.